Tuesday, November 26, 2013


OED: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something
I have a hard time with that word.
Why? I am not sure why. 
In fact, yesterday I was talking to someone close to me and he told me that it drove him nuts that I didn't seem to trust him enough to open up to him, that I wouldn't actually let him in. 
I tried. I really did. I wanted to. 
I started trying to tell him about something very close to me, something difficult for me to talk about, and after I told most of it, he asked me if there was a point to the story. 

And that's why. That's why I have a hard time trusting. If you really trust someone with those things, there doesn't have to be a point to the story. You can just tell it. But if there always has to be a point, and I am constantly having to prove myself, I can't be really open. I feel like my open has to be "good enough." And that's not really open. 
So what can I do? Force myself open anyway when I am not even really sure how to do it? To be fair, this person has been very open and vulnerable with me. I realize I do need to learn to be more open. But I don't know how to do that in this situation. 
Am I looking for answers? No, no one reads this blog. I haven't written on it in more than two years. I am just sending this out into the void.