Saturday, July 25, 2009

What I am

What I am
  • Intelligent
  • Fun
  • Too caring for my own good
  • a Daughter of God
  • Full of Promise
  • Epileptic, this means my brain likes a little excitement
  • A good listener
  • Touchy feely. Deal with it.
  • Thoughtful
  • Pretty
  • A work in progress
  • Imperfect, and that's okay. In fact, I think I'm better that way, at least for now.
  • A shower singer
  • Too open hearted. This is my downfall.

What I am not
  • is irrelevant, because I choose from this moment forth to define myself by who and what I am rather that what I am not. this means no more comparing myself to others, only to myself and who I know I can be. Today I celebrate my independence day.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hungering for Purpose

It amazes me that although I have been acquainted with myself for upwards of twenty six years now, I am still just getting to know myself.
Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking, for several reasons. It's amazing how much you have to think when you can't get in your car and go off and distract yourself. I have found myself hungering for something missing from my life, examining every little aspect of my daily existence, aching to break down in sobs but unable to do so. I have looked at my relationships with my friends, family, God, myself. I have signed up for classes on everything from InDesign to finances to how to communicate effectively. I go out and buy books that aren't what I normally read (Thank you for convincing me you know who you are)
But why? Why have I felt this way? I think there are two reasons that are closely connected. The first is that I have betrayed the trust of someone very close to me, just by being me. In trying to help, I pushed too hard. I don't even know if this person thinks that I have betrayed their trust. But I feel that I have, and that our relationship has suffered for it. I hope that relationship can return to the place it was before. Even if the difference is all in my head. I have learned something about myself because of the experience because of it. And that's what this post is about. What I have learned about myself.
I think the other reason, the primary reason I have been examining everything in my life, is because it is stagnant and without purpose. For the past several months, everything I have done has been about having fun. I have gone to work, and come home and just "had fun." The problem with that is that it is not intellectually or spiritually or emotionally stimulating. It doesn't help you progress at all! And all of that fun has finally caught up with me. I'm not happy just doing nothing. I know that I'll actually be happy when I am learning and progressing and doing and becoming everything that I can be. Maybe that's why I was pushing others. Because I was really subconsciously pushing myself. Or maybe it's because I felt like I was doing something, and I didn't know what else to do. Heaven knows I have more than enough things of my own that I need to improve on. I'd make a list, but no one needs to see my dirty laundry.
I guess that's my purpose for the next while. Maybe that's why I had a seizure. It was the Lord's way of knocking me over the head and getting me to stop and think. The sad thing is, it took something that drastic.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Diary of an EEG

4:30 wake up. Consider not doing this whole thing. Drag a blanket into the living room, put two discs of Friends and one of Northern Exposure into the DVD player. Hopefully this will get me through the next four and a half hours...
4:48 check the TV guide channel to see if there's anything on, just in case something grabs my attention. There is nothing. And the music on the TV guide channel was really annoying. It was the Mouseketeers. Start the DVDs.
5:15 I'm already tired, and I I've been up for 45 minutes. And I'm hungry. I think I can eat...
6:07 It's surprisingly light outside. I can hear a bird chirping. It's kind of sad that watching the credits on this show, I recognize which episodes each clip come from. Gotta do something else to stay awake.
6:57 Decided to take a picture of myself. Accidentally hit the off button. Took a few pictures...eeewww. I'm breaking down and putting on under eye concealer.

7:56 One more hour...
I had a whole list of things to do this morning. I did none of them except write on my blog. Oh well.
8:37 Off I go
9:00 Get to the doctor's office. The testing room is set up with a bed where all the wires are set out, and the tool box with the conductive wax gel crap and gauze and other assorted EEG equipment. I sit in the chair at the foot of the bed and she measures my head and starts marking it with a wax pencil. She tapes stuff to my forehead, temples and collar bones, and sticks stuff to my scalp in the hair with the waxy stuff. The consistency is somewhere between vaseline and warm candle wax, with little gauze patches and tiny little metal spoons with wires attached stuck in there. The stuff in my hair is somewhat akin to getting highlights, except heavier, stickier and less desirable.

When she's all done she gets me set up in the bed. Since it's only for a half hour, they don't really worry about you being too comfortable, but sadly I am a seasoned pro at this (it is my third EEG) and I want to be comfortable so I brought my own blanket and pillow. Anyone who knows me knows I always need a blanket, and the one pillow they have is grossly inadequate.

She goes out of the room and starts talking to me through a microphone. They have an infrared camera so they can watch me, and they have me do some things to see how I react before I sleep. First they want a baseline reading, so they have me open and close my eyes a few times. Then they ask me to hyperventilate (my favorite part of the test NOT) to see how my brain does when it's oxygen deprived, then they flash a strobe light at me, faster and faster, since some people's epilepsy is triggered by that. Then she tells me to relax for half an hour, but try to stay on my back. Great. I am a side and front sleeper. I can understand I guess, they don't want the wires all messed up, but I wonder if I am actually going to go to sleep. I think that's why they want you to be sleep deprived. So you'll sleep no matter how uncomfortable you are.

10:16 I just walked out of the doctor's office. I have wads of gunk in my hair. I had to go in the bathroom and get the worst ones off of my forehead, but there are still so many in my hair it's funk nasty. I also still have the patches on my collar bones. She told me they would come off easier with warm water, and that without it the skin just rips off. Joy. I'm starving, and so ready to get some wonderfully unhealthy fast food breakfast, drive through of course, go home and shower this gunk off and go to bed.
Nasty Hair!
11:00 Home. Long hot shower now. I hope this was more scintillating for you all than it was for me. I'm going to bed.