So This Drunk Girl Walks Into My Apartment...

No, really.
Last night, my friend Brian and I were watching TV in my living room, when this girl walks in the door and says "Do you recognize me?"
I said I didn't, and she says "I just need to charge my phone. Honey, I'm not going to hurt you, I just need to charge my phone, I've got kids."
She said her name was Malea, and she was from the 801. Over and over again. I wasn't sure if she was drunk or high. She held out her phone to me, and Brian ended up going to get his charger, because it fit her phone. I talked to her while we waited.
When Brian got back, I went in the back and told my roommates "There is a girl who just walked in the apartment, and I think she's drunk or high, and I don't know what to do."
So Des went looking for some other guys, because she was a bigger girl, and if she did decide to get mad, I would be useless.
So she is still sitting on the living room floor, and after about 20 minutes, I decide it's probably time we call the police. When she got her phone plugged in and charged (I think she actually just turned it off and couldn't turn it on again) her mom called. She told her mom she had been drinking and she wasn't going to come home until she found her boyfriend, Vili.
I went in the back and called the police, not the emergency number, and told them what happened, that we didn't want her to get into trouble, but that we also didn't wandering down University Avenue in that condition, with no shoes or coat or anything. They sent someone, and while we waited, we just talked to her.
At this point, Dan and Matt had come over, and Jessi and Sam had come home. When Jessi came in, she went on for a while about how beautiful we were, as ladies. That was fun. So we were all just sitting around talking to Malea. Well, mostly she was talking. And swearing. She kept saying she lived in the 801, and something about St. George, but then she got confused. Then, when I came back out again, Dan started to ask her some questions.
"What are you up to tonight?"
"Just hanging with my homies in the 801"
"What's your name?"
"Malea, honey, my name is Malea, honey. What's your name?"
"Dan."
I asked her where her shoes were, and I think that two people talking to her at once really confused her.
"What's your last name?"
"Hill."
"Officer Hill?"
Dan gave her a funny look, because he obviously wasn't a cop, he was wearing scrubs and sneakers.
"No, just Dan Hill."
"N-----You don't gotta be frontin' with me, it's cool."
"I'm not. I'm not a cop."
At this point we were all trying desperately not to laugh, because the idea of Dan as a cop seemed really funny.
"I'm not frontin', I'm not a cop."
Matt piped up and said, "He's a nurse."
She started talking about how great we all were, as Caucasians, for not throwing her out, because she had darker skin than us, and that if someone with darker skin than her came into her house, she would be mad, and that we were upstanding Caucasians. Then she said something about how Caucasians have to protect their GPS's, because brown people come into their homes and terrorists and blow them up and I don't even know all what else.
Then her sister calls, and she hands me the phone and says "Here's my insurance."
I take the phone and say "Hello?"
Her sister starts talking to me, about how Malea was at her house and started drinking and got in a fight with her friend and wandered off. She asked where I lived, and I told her that we had called the police, we weren't trying to get her into trouble, we just wanted to get her home safely. I didn't want a bunch of strangers coming over to my apartment. She said "Okay, she lives off 800 North in Orem," and hung up.
Okay, then. She obviously didn't want to deal with the situation. A few minutes later, the police showed up, and I was kind of worried about how Malea was going to react when they got there, especially since she was right next to the door. But she was very glad to see them, and thanked them and us profusely, some more. They talked to her outside the door, and asked us if we wanted to press charges or anything. We said no, we just wanted to make sure she got home safely. Then they took her away.
It was very entertaining, and something I won't quickly forget.