Hungering for Purpose

It amazes me that although I have been acquainted with myself for upwards of twenty six years now, I am still just getting to know myself.
Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking, for several reasons. It's amazing how much you have to think when you can't get in your car and go off and distract yourself. I have found myself hungering for something missing from my life, examining every little aspect of my daily existence, aching to break down in sobs but unable to do so. I have looked at my relationships with my friends, family, God, myself. I have signed up for classes on everything from InDesign to finances to how to communicate effectively. I go out and buy books that aren't what I normally read (Thank you for convincing me you know who you are)
But why? Why have I felt this way? I think there are two reasons that are closely connected. The first is that I have betrayed the trust of someone very close to me, just by being me. In trying to help, I pushed too hard. I don't even know if this person thinks that I have betrayed their trust. But I feel that I have, and that our relationship has suffered for it. I hope that relationship can return to the place it was before. Even if the difference is all in my head. I have learned something about myself because of the experience because of it. And that's what this post is about. What I have learned about myself.
I think the other reason, the primary reason I have been examining everything in my life, is because it is stagnant and without purpose. For the past several months, everything I have done has been about having fun. I have gone to work, and come home and just "had fun." The problem with that is that it is not intellectually or spiritually or emotionally stimulating. It doesn't help you progress at all! And all of that fun has finally caught up with me. I'm not happy just doing nothing. I know that I'll actually be happy when I am learning and progressing and doing and becoming everything that I can be. Maybe that's why I was pushing others. Because I was really subconsciously pushing myself. Or maybe it's because I felt like I was doing something, and I didn't know what else to do. Heaven knows I have more than enough things of my own that I need to improve on. I'd make a list, but no one needs to see my dirty laundry.
I guess that's my purpose for the next while. Maybe that's why I had a seizure. It was the Lord's way of knocking me over the head and getting me to stop and think. The sad thing is, it took something that drastic.