Last week I had a seizure. Yippee. Most of you who are reading this already knew that. I remember talking to Brian, and then waking up on the couch really really tired. Now I can't drive for three months, and I have to do all sorts of tests again, and you know what? It's frustrating.
It's frustrating to have to go to the neurologist and have them bump up your medicine and do more tests that cost more money and deprive you of sleep to tell you nothing new. It sucks to have your parents tell you that you should really think about getting a medical ID bracelet, which costs like 75 dollars, when you have to pay for aforementioned stupid tests. And having the bracelet is almost like admitting defeat. It's not that I can't admit that I have epilepsy, but having the bracelet is like saying that I'm letting it run my life.
What sucks the most is being 26 years old, having a car and not being able to drive it. I am an independent person. I like being able to go where I want, when I want, and my wings have been clipped to the quick. No running off to the store because I feel like buying a new pair of shoes, or going to Wendy's because I'm hungry. I can't even go grocery shopping whenever I want. I really shouldn't complain, I have wonderful friends and family who are more than willing to take me the places I need to go, but I still can't expect them to drop their lives to do what I want. Plus, the freedom of going by myself is gone.
Maybe the Lord is doing this because I didn't learn my lesson last year. I didn't learn to be interdependent enough. I have to learn to let others take care of me sometimes...I'm not very good at that. I'm much better at taking care of everyone else, even when they don't want to be taken care of. I hate asking for things. This is going to be a long three months. Any advice?
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Now playing: Alan Menken - Seize The Day
via FoxyTunes
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Creation
You can learn a lot about someone by observing what and how they create. In fact, I think it's really the most telling way to understand a person. They will censor their words, even their actions toward you, but when they create (or destroy), they are being their most honest self. You can't create that which you aren't.
Some people create a lot, frantically and recklessly. They are free spirits who approach life with their hearts open and aren't afraid to go at it over and over again. Maybe some of the things they work at don't work out, but that's okay. They're too busy moving on to the next thing. What they cook may not look beautiful, but it's usually edible. They mostly follow the recipe. Like Monet, who created a huge series of paintings of water lilies, working through each one quickly, getting it out there, and on to the next. These people also destroy recklessly, without thinking about the consequences. It's not that they don't care, but they just don't always realize.
Other people are more meticulous. They spend time poring over details. Even if they aren't perfectionists, they want to make sure that what they create is what they intended. Even if it doesn't go where they intended, it still needs to follow some sort of logical path to get there. Creating things is often a labor for them. Not that it is more exhausting, quick creation can be exhausting, but that it takes energy to focus on a concept for longer. If that makes sense. These people might create less in volume, but it doesn't mean that they are any less geniuses than reckless creators. Their hearts are more protected, not necessarily because they have been hurt, or they have can't express themselves, it's just often a part of their personality. When these people cook, they make the works of art you find in fine cafes, that look like art on the plate, the perfectly round cookies, they follow the recipe precisely, when it comes to things like creaming the butter and sugar, and making sure to mix the dry and wet ingredients in different bowls before putting them together. These people destroy purposefully, too.
There are all sorts of people in the spectrum, these are just the ends of it. Maybe I should get a Master's in Sociology...
Some people create a lot, frantically and recklessly. They are free spirits who approach life with their hearts open and aren't afraid to go at it over and over again. Maybe some of the things they work at don't work out, but that's okay. They're too busy moving on to the next thing. What they cook may not look beautiful, but it's usually edible. They mostly follow the recipe. Like Monet, who created a huge series of paintings of water lilies, working through each one quickly, getting it out there, and on to the next. These people also destroy recklessly, without thinking about the consequences. It's not that they don't care, but they just don't always realize.
Other people are more meticulous. They spend time poring over details. Even if they aren't perfectionists, they want to make sure that what they create is what they intended. Even if it doesn't go where they intended, it still needs to follow some sort of logical path to get there. Creating things is often a labor for them. Not that it is more exhausting, quick creation can be exhausting, but that it takes energy to focus on a concept for longer. If that makes sense. These people might create less in volume, but it doesn't mean that they are any less geniuses than reckless creators. Their hearts are more protected, not necessarily because they have been hurt, or they have can't express themselves, it's just often a part of their personality. When these people cook, they make the works of art you find in fine cafes, that look like art on the plate, the perfectly round cookies, they follow the recipe precisely, when it comes to things like creaming the butter and sugar, and making sure to mix the dry and wet ingredients in different bowls before putting them together. These people destroy purposefully, too.
There are all sorts of people in the spectrum, these are just the ends of it. Maybe I should get a Master's in Sociology...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
An Honest Opinion
This time of life is difficult. We have so many things to deal with, with school, and the beginnings of our careers, dating, and figuring out who we are.
I have been having trouble with one of my friends lately. I had the same trouble once before, once we started calling ourselves best friends, it became so much harder to be friends. When I was talking to someone today, he made a good point. At this point in our life, it's probably best not to have "best friends". It's good to have friends and people to depend on and care for, but having a "best friend" when you are supposed to be making all sorts of life decisions on your own, for your own progression can actually be counter productive. Just the psychology of the label itself can be detrimental.
Look at the TV show Friends. There are six of them, but none of them are any more "best friends" than the others. Some of them were at an earlier point in their lives, but now that they are in their twenties, they are just a group of friends. Their relationships with each other are different, but not any less valuable. That's how it should be. No one has to depend on one person for their emotional support, or feel drained by the needs of another person. Everything is spread out and diffused. Doesn't it sound wonderful?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Just Push
A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might...
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)!
You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.
Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.
But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him.
By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When the job gets you down.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When people don't do as you think they should.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When people just don't understand you.........................Just P.U.S.H.
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)!
You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.
Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.
Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.
But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."
At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him.
By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.
When everything seems to go wrong.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When the job gets you down.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When people don't do as you think they should.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When your money is "gone" and the bills are due.........................Just P.U.S.H.
When people just don't understand you.........................Just P.U.S.H.
P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens
Monday, March 23, 2009
Hear You Me
When I was seven, my dad got excommunicated. I grew up without a Priesthood holder in my home. I never got father's blessings, he never got to baptize any of us. He's a good man, he just has an Achilles' Heel. Yesterday I realized though, how lucky I am to have the other men in my life.
Yesterday I had a meltdown. I cried in front of everyone, especially guys. Lesser men would have run away from a girl who can't stop crying, but you didn't. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, and to let me cry and give me hugs, and throw chocolate at me, and try to act normal.
I am grateful for you men, who hold the Priesthood righteously, and who I can turn to when I need a blessing, or even just for a hug. Your wives will be very lucky. If I ever marry (or even date) someone half as wonderful as the men I am friends with right now, I will consider myself incredibly blessed.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Months of Musing
A lot of girls complain when the guys they are interested in don't seem to realize how wonderful and amazing they are and fall madly in love with them. I used to be the same way (Okay, I still have days).
But what do you do when guys realize (or at least say that they realize) how wonderful and amazing you are and still don't want to date you? Girl sense, which really isn't very sensible, would say overwhelm him with your wonderfulness until he realizes that you are the one for him, and that he can't live without you. Or, in an attempt to not be that crazy girl, do you stop talking to the guys that don't understand and don't want to date you? Well, that would be great, except for that I personally would end up with very few guys left to talk to. And I like hanging out with my guy friends.
After months of pondering over this question, I have no good answer. I think the only thing I have to say is to give up, and just be myself. If I am myself, it doesn't matter, right? If someone likes hanging out with me for being weird and childlike and a spaz, great. If they don't want to date that, that's okay too.
More importantly I need to remember not to lose focus. Focus on my relationship with the Lord, because that's ultimately the only relationship I have full control over. The Lord will always be there, just waiting for me. He KNOWS how wonderful I am and everything I am capable of. He doesn't care if I am a hottie or a sweet spirit. And He likes me the way that I am, and the way that I can be. It's always my choice.
But what do you do when guys realize (or at least say that they realize) how wonderful and amazing you are and still don't want to date you? Girl sense, which really isn't very sensible, would say overwhelm him with your wonderfulness until he realizes that you are the one for him, and that he can't live without you. Or, in an attempt to not be that crazy girl, do you stop talking to the guys that don't understand and don't want to date you? Well, that would be great, except for that I personally would end up with very few guys left to talk to. And I like hanging out with my guy friends.
After months of pondering over this question, I have no good answer. I think the only thing I have to say is to give up, and just be myself. If I am myself, it doesn't matter, right? If someone likes hanging out with me for being weird and childlike and a spaz, great. If they don't want to date that, that's okay too.
More importantly I need to remember not to lose focus. Focus on my relationship with the Lord, because that's ultimately the only relationship I have full control over. The Lord will always be there, just waiting for me. He KNOWS how wonderful I am and everything I am capable of. He doesn't care if I am a hottie or a sweet spirit. And He likes me the way that I am, and the way that I can be. It's always my choice.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Schrodinger's Cat
"In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics; he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead...
Just like Schrodinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is."
This comes from an episode of Big Bang Theory. Two of the characters are thinking about going out on a date, but they are worried about awkwardness, so they both go to a friend for advice. The advice they get is Schrodinger's cat. And it's brilliant.
Dating, and all relationships are that way. You never know unless you take the plunge. Yes it could be bad, but you don't know unless you try.
The best thing about this concept is that there are myriad applications. It really applies to everything in life, although at this point in my life, dating sticks out the most.
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