Just Push

A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might...

So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!

Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)!

You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."

That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.

Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.

But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him.

By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong.........................Just P.U.S.H.

When the job gets you down.........................Just P.U.S.H.

When people don't do as you think they should.........................Just P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due.........................Just P.U.S.H.

When people just don't understand you.........................Just P.U.S.H.

P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens

Hear You Me

When I was seven, my dad got excommunicated. I grew up without a Priesthood holder in my home. I never got father's blessings, he never got to baptize any of us. He's a good man, he just has an Achilles' Heel. Yesterday I realized though, how lucky I am to have the other men in my life.

Yesterday I had a meltdown. I cried in front of everyone, especially guys. Lesser men would have run away from a girl who can't stop crying, but you didn't. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, and to let me cry and give me hugs, and throw chocolate at me, and try to act normal.

I am grateful for you men, who hold the Priesthood righteously, and who I can turn to when I need a blessing, or even just for a hug. Your wives will be very lucky. If I ever marry (or even date) someone half as wonderful as the men I am friends with right now, I will consider myself incredibly blessed.

May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

Months of Musing

A lot of girls complain when the guys they are interested in don't seem to realize how wonderful and amazing they are and fall madly in love with them. I used to be the same way (Okay, I still have days).
But what do you do when guys realize (or at least say that they realize) how wonderful and amazing you are and still don't want to date you? Girl sense, which really isn't very sensible, would say overwhelm him with your wonderfulness until he realizes that you are the one for him, and that he can't live without you. Or, in an attempt to not be that crazy girl, do you stop talking to the guys that don't understand and don't want to date you? Well, that would be great, except for that I personally would end up with very few guys left to talk to. And I like hanging out with my guy friends.
After months of pondering over this question, I have no good answer. I think the only thing I have to say is to give up, and just be myself. If I am myself, it doesn't matter, right? If someone likes hanging out with me for being weird and childlike and a spaz, great. If they don't want to date that, that's okay too.
More importantly I need to remember not to lose focus. Focus on my relationship with the Lord, because that's ultimately the only relationship I have full control over. The Lord will always be there, just waiting for me. He KNOWS how wonderful I am and everything I am capable of. He doesn't care if I am a hottie or a sweet spirit. And He likes me the way that I am, and the way that I can be. It's always my choice.

Schrodinger's Cat

"In 1935, Erwin Schrodinger, in an attempt to explain the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum physics; he proposed an experiment where a cat is placed in a box with a sealed vial of poison that will break open at a random time. Now, since no one knows when or if the poison has been released until the box is opened, the cat can be thought of as both alive and dead...
Just like Schrodinger's cat, your potential relationship with Leonard right now can be thought of as both good and bad. It is only by opening the box that you'll find out which it is."

This comes from an episode of Big Bang Theory. Two of the characters are thinking about going out on a date, but they are worried about awkwardness, so they both go to a friend for advice. The advice they get is Schrodinger's cat. And it's brilliant.

Dating, and all relationships are that way. You never know unless you take the plunge. Yes it could be bad, but you don't know unless you try.

The best thing about this concept is that there are myriad applications. It really applies to everything in life, although at this point in my life, dating sticks out the most.

Someone recently told me that I am brave because I can talk about my emotions and deeper problems with other people and cry. Or at least that's what I think this person said, I could have completely misinterpreted and am now giving myself way too much credit. But it still got me thinking. The sociologist in me stretched and said "Why do we not talk about deeper emotions and share things? And why would someone consider that brave?" Because I consider it being a burden on others, but I can't help myself, I have to get those things out or I will explode.

As I look at the conversations I have with my friends, the people I work with, and my family, I see a few things. We talk a lot. There are very few moments when I am by myself, or even just one on one with another person. This type of atmosphere is not particularly conducive to even getting to a point where deeper topics even come up. The bigger the group, the more uncomfortable it is.
So we are never in situations where we can talk about anything more than six inches deep, twelve if you're lucky. Which makes me sad. I crave deeper conversation.

There is also the fact that certain people fill certain roles in our lives. Some people we hang out with a lot, but don't talk about much with, others we might not see very often, but they are a comforting shoulder to cry on every time we see them. If someone is always a part of a group of friends we hang out with, they are probably not going to be someone we confide in, as opposed to someone we hang out with one on one, simply because of the nature of the time spent together.

We are also largely a product of our individualistic and privatized western society. Privacy and freedom are our most valued possessions. If we let someone know about our deepest fears, hurts and problems, we give those things up. We sacrifice a lot of privacy, obviously. We give up freedom with that privacy because with the knowledge we have just given to the person we share with, we give them a piece of control over our situation. The size of that piece is dependent on the relationship between us and them, but we feel that we could very well be placing our lives in their hands. That is why a lot of people have trouble sharing deep fears and troubles. They are afraid of giving up that freedom.

Love is giving that knowledge freely to another person and trusting that they will not abuse it.

Now to the second part: Why would someone consider me brave?
Well, the only thing I can think of is that because of years of therapy I have grown accustomed to getting things off my chest to a third party, and as I said earlier, if I don't I will explode. I try to hold it in, but when I can stand it no longer, I have to find someone to talk to. So I do. I cry. I'm used to crying in front of people. I realize that telling people things does not mean that I am giving up any freedoms. It is actually incredibly liberating. I only hope that I am not burdening them, which is one advantage of a licensed therapist. They are paid to listen. *Dream job* if I could leave it at work. So I am not brave, just well practiced. There are plenty of other areas I need a lot of work in.

Two Face?

Lately I've been meeting with Sister Potter about once a week. We've been talking about a lot of different things, but this last week we talked about the fact that I am in fact, two different people. Don't look so shocked. You knew it was true. But if you didn't, let me explain.
Ever since I was young, I have been very shy. I have a really hard time talking to people I don't know, and the fact that my chin wiggles doesn't usually make the situation any better, because it betrays any nervousness I feel before I get a chance to even attempt to mask it. But starting in high school I began to compensate for that by being kind of...very...loud and rambunctious. I am a lot to handle when I am being that Maren. The sassy flirty brazen ready to go do almost anything Maren is what most people see most of the time. Even when she is upset or sad she is still loud about it. In fact, I have a hard time turning her off.
But sometimes she does turn off, and the world gets a glimpse of the "other Maren". This other Maren might actually be a truer version of myself, since she has been around longer. I have known her a lot longer, even if the rest of you haven't. The funny thing is, when people see this me, they assume something is wrong. What? Maren quiet? No, never! Actually...yes.
The thing is, one Maren is too loud and talks too much and is crazy, and the other is too quiet and doesn't talk enough. So how do I take those two girls and meld them into one balanced woman who people want to be around, and feel that they can connect with? It's hard, because like I said before, I have two settings, and not much in between, so I kind of have to build a whole new set of switches to accommodate the person I want to become. And I have no idea why I just published this on my blog. Accountability maybe? To explain why I will (hopefully) be a bit more quiet in the future? Who knows.
Oh, and for those of you dying to know, the picture represents the two parts of me. The curly hair and no makeup is the shy Maren, and the straight hair and make up is the out there loud Maren that everyone sees.

Drama as a GOOD Thing? Gasp!

Okay, I am well aware that I will probably get lynched for this, but here goes...
Everyone I hang out with has been complaining about how much drama there is in our lives lately, and that it sucks, and that boys and girls are stupid and that the whole world is coming to an end and we will all be single forever and the rock bucket is the evil of the world, blah blah blah...whatever. The rock bucket is officially retired. But I digress...
So this has been on my mind a lot lately. And I have decided that we're all just whining. All of us. Yes, that is harsh, and yes, I have been one of the worst offenders, so I make a pledge now to not whine, and not get on kicks about how much guys or girls or dating suck. Because I have changed my mind. And this is why.
I think that what we have been calling drama is just trials. And trials are mandatory. Misery is a choice. Yes right now a lot of our trials have to do with dating, but that's just because of our age and situation in life. It sucks for everyone, and complaining doesn't make it any better. In fact, it probably makes it worse.
Drama is a good thing, because without it, we wouldn't know who our true friends are. We would not be able to grow from our adversity. We wouldn't be able to figure out how we handle difficulties and change that if need be. (Even if that need is medication...) We would not turn to the Lord because everything would be peachy keen. We would be everyone in the Book of Mormon who becomes lazy and unrighteous because everything is great. If everything is perfect and there isn't anything to work through, how do you know something is worth hanging onto? Without the hard times, you can't properly appreciate the good ones.
So I would like to say to all my friends out there who may be reading this, thank you for the good times, and even more,for the bad times, because we have stuck through them, and we are still friends. And that says a lot about us. We have, and will continue to make it through the drama.